I’ve been trying to keep myself motivated and continuing to contribute to my blog, re: Dionysos Cyclopaedia and several other projects like a 111 divination card deck (first mention of that project here, more info soon I hope) and a massive public pastel drawing of Lord Shiva (who came to me in dream, even though I have little connection to Hindu gods).
Yet, things feel like I have come to a standstill.
I have suffered depression all my life, so much so, I don’t know what happiness is. This year has been a year where my mind has exploded. It begun on the 20th of February exactly a month after the Bourke Street Mall attack: where a mad man, on drugs, drove down the pavement I regularly work upon and killed several people, injuring many. This devastating event really hurt me and opened mental scars that had been lying dormant in my mind since I was a child. I have been suffering from severe depression / anxiety including agoraphobia and PTSD.
This has been the first time I have ever sort medical treatment and beginning to analyse and assess the things I hold dear. But most of the time I find myself physically crippled, I cannot do basic things to subsist as a human, like eating, sleeping, even going to the toilet. Most of these things link back to childhood trauma.
Ever seen 10 Cloverfield Lane? An awesome sci-fi film about a woman is ‘saved’ and locked in a bunker by a man named Howard who claims the world is ending (Howard is brilliantly played by John Goodman). Howard is a possessive domineering and damn frightening figure. I mention this film because Howard was my stepfather. He was authoritarian in every aspect of life. He would stalk me when I was walking to school and watch me during lunchbreaks, then confront me for not doing “manly” things. He’d listen to me go to the toilet and walk in on me when showering. He would abuse me with food, force me to eat half cooked or raw meat and offal. He would hit me and call me stupid for being unable to read. Call me a pansy for being effeminate. Force me to be alone, lock me in dark rooms, knock on doors during private situations, force me to run, attack me for watching TV without his permission, etc. This made it feel like he was an omniscient presence.
The results being regressive memory, much of my childhood is missing from my life.
With the 20th February mental breakdown it came back, all of it, at once, in fast motion and slow motion at the same time. All those emotions, fears, anger – pent up for 20 years started overwhelming my brain. Since then I’ve been having “aftershocks”, panic attacks. Everyday household items “triggering” me. Like just last week, I picked up a power cord and suffered a memory, like I was living in that moment, of a forgotten time my stepfather hit me with a power cord.
So it’s been really, really hard for me to do things. Yes, I am seeking medical treatment, yes I’m trying to work myself out of this, yes I’m considering getting disability pension (the first time I have asked for welfare). But it’s really fucking tough, not to mention physically straining (fasting for days, makes me physically weak.)
Anyway, I hope this brings things up to date on my current situation. I have no idea how long this will last or when I will be feeling back to my normal self.